God's Time

Today as I drove in my squeaky volvo down 7100, leaves fell from the sky and danced onto the windows of my car. They were just brown, and it's not that I want them to be any other color. I'm happy with brown.
Today my baby sister was born. I can't imagine the frustration of entering this world from the warmth and security of my mother's womb. But she won't remember her frustration just as I don't remember mine. I wouldn't want out of life, but I do believe that we can't know what we want while what we want exceeds the limits of our imagination.
Is it possible to obtain contentment while I don't understand it? And is it even possible to understand it, when I don't feel it? This night I feel like I could run endlessly, or until wearing holes pierce the soles of my shoes. My heart is only as it is, and I cannot understand even the very thing that sets my rhythm. I don't know any other way to describe it except hunger. I just want- something real and something I can grasp with my fingers. I need the physical reality, not just the promise that I am alive because I am loved.